April 5, 2012

Top 10 Reasons Why Women Should Objectify Men

1. They’ve been doing it to us since the dawn of media, if not the dawn of time. Fair is fair, fuckers.

2. It’s so much fun! Try it the next time the high school track team is running down the road shirtless. Objectifying underage men is even better than ogling the 18+ variety. It feels twice as wrong and therefore twice as nice. If you get caught, just say you were checking out the coach. Incidentally, you were doing both.

3. Makes you feel like a teenager again. You know, when you used to daydream about the cute basketball-playing senior changing in the locker room, back before you even knew what to do with a naked guy and it made you all sick to your stomach and excited at the same time? You can still kinda get a tiny taste of that sensation when you stare at some stranger’s package and try to figure out how his basketballs are hanging.

4. I love the fact that I slow down for cop cars, not because I am afraid of being pulled over, but to see if there are any hotties in uniform patrolling my area. Suddenly I’m the one patrolling and it’s quite empowering. And makes cops less scary. And men in uniform–yum.

5. You know when they make you stop at the light that is hardly ever red in front of the fire station? Most people probably pound on their steering wheel in frustration as the slow-moving fire truck is painfully parked while you wait. Not me. It’s a free pass to check out the guys with the big hoses. Think of how less-stressed I am because I embrace that time. If I play my cards right, I may even need a hose-down after all of my fine imagining.

6. Bellmen are watching you. Give it right back. Yes, that is for you, Hook.

7. According to some Catholic blog post I read, objectifying your husband can be a marriage-wrecker. I was stunned. If I gazed longingly at my old man’s junk, I’m thinking it can only help the relationship. Went on to read that if you are objectifying your spouse by picturing him as a human check book then all is not fine in Marriage Land.

My advise? You need to balance your Daddy Warbucks drooling with a little cock drooling and there is your happily ever after. You owe me twenty bucks for the counseling.

8. Makes family reunions more fun. Just kidding. That was for the guy at one of our family reunions a couple of years back who said, in all seriousness, “I came here for the chicks.” Don’t ask how many teeth he had. I didn’t stick around long enough to count the holes. Unfortunately, he guarded the keg the whole time.

9. Those playing cards from the seventies—the ones with naked guys on the back—are the funniest shit you will ever see. No lie. It’s entertaining to imagine how they pulled all of their business out of the bottom of their short-shorts and then got themselves hard for the picture. And what were they doing playing tennis in denim short-shorts sans tighty-whities in the first place? What’s with that cowboy hat? Are these for straight women or gay men. Both? Holy afro, Batman! I just peed my pants laughing!

10. And the tenth reason to objectify men…. Good eye candy makes for good jerking off later.

So get out there and ogle, ladies! Tell ’em Kimber sent ya.